Mini Mass Effect
by FluffyCannibal
Summary: A collection of totally pointless one-shots set in the Mass Effect Universe, sometimes but not always involving ME characters. Probably all drabble. But you never know, you might enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Despite having worked with, and as a consequence lived with, aliens for years now, Garrus was still unsure about the proper etiquette required when approaching aliens early in the morning. With turians it was simple, disturb someone before breakfast and unless you're their superior officer, they'll rip your throat out. But he really couldn't imagine most alien species doing that. Maybe the krogan, but apart from that…come on. What would a quarian or salarian even use to rip your throat out with? But that didn't matter right now, because this was Shepard, and despite being human, Shepard was certainly more than capable of ripping someone's throat out. But on the other hand, he was a very good friend. So this was either going to go well, or badly. With that in mind, Garrus took a deep breath and knocked on the door of Shepard's cabin.

"Come in" a muffled voice called from the other side of the door. Garrus obeyed the voice, and stepped through the door and into the spacious captain's quarters which occupied the entire top floor of the _Normandy SR2_. He quickly scanned the cabin, seeing no one, then turned to the small bathroom next to the cabin's entrance, and saw the door open and his commanding officer inside doing something strange to his mouth.

"Commander. Sorry to disturb you so early, but it's quite urgent. As you know, I haven't had any contact with my family since Palaven was invaded. Well, about half an hour ago, I received a message from my father, but we lost contact with the comm buoy before the whole thing got through. I think he may have been asking me for help. Is there any chance we could make a quick diversion to another buoy so I can get the rest of the message?" Garrus looked down at his hands, "Please, Commander?"

"Yesh, shure. I'll tell EDI in a shec," Commander Shepard replied, still doing that strange thing to his mouth.

"Thanks Shepard." Garrus turned to leave, then hesitated and turned back. "Uh, just one more thing. What on Palaven are you doing to your mouth?"

"Floshing," Shepard paused momentarily, "Flossing."

"Oh…ok."

Back in the Main Battery, the closest thing Garrus had to his own quarters on board the Normandy, Garrus couldn't take his mind off of this 'flossing' thing Shepard had been doing. What purpose could it possibly fulfil? It looked like Shepard was rubbing a piece of string between his teeth!

"EDI. Can you perform an extranet search for the human term 'flossing', please?" Garrus spoke into the air, knowing that EDI, the ship's AI with a presence in every room, would hear and respond.

"Unfortunately we are still approximately 20 minutes from comm. buoy access, and Shepard has given specific instructions that all other communication methods are strictly reserved for emergencies only. I do not deem this to be an emergency. May I suggest talking to a human crew member instead? Lieutenant Vega is currently in the Mess Hall, and Major Alenko is in the Lounge," came the reply from the AI.

"OK. Thanks, EDI."

Garrus exited the Main Battery and walked down the small corridor which led to the ship's Mess Hall. Sure enough, Vega was in the Mess Hall about to get his breakfast. "Hey Vega, you got a second?" the turian enquired.

"Mmmph. Not now. Must eat" was Vega's reply, apparently so transfixed with getting hold of food, he didn't even look Garrus in the face while he talked. Apparently some humans turned into lesser sapient species this early in the morning.

"OK. See you later" Garrus walked away, while Vega grunted in response.

Garrus then tried the Lounge, in search of Major Kaidan Alenko. He was sat on a sofa, looking somewhat bleary-eyed, his hair a little wild.

"Hey Garrus, what's up?" Kaidan's voice was more scratchy than normal.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a quick question, actually. You got a minute?"

"Uh, can it wait until later? I'm still a bit…sleepy" the human then yawned and stretched.

"Yeah, no problem" Garrus drawled, then left the Lounge, almost convinced that humans somehow temporarily devolved overnight. Garrus walked to the elevator and hit the button for the second floor. The door closed and a few moments later, reopened at his destination, the CIC. The mind of the ship, in an hour or so the CIC would have at least a dozen members of the human crew busy looking at diagnostics and plotting map routes. Right now, only a fraction of the crew were awake, including Samantha Traynor.

"Traynor, hey, good morning" Garrus approached the human female.

"Garrus, nice to see you. Sorry, I haven't had a cup of tea yet this morning, must dash before Shepard comes down! See you later."

Garrus was now fully convinced that if a war ever broke out on Earth before 9 in the morning, the entire human race would be doomed. With that in mind, he headed up through the CIC and towards the only human crew member who somehow managed to make less than no sense no matter what time of day it was. Joker.

"Garrus! Always good to see a big spiky monster sneaking up on you. What brings you up here? Trying to sneak a peek at my mad skills in action, passing some tips on to the Hierarchy?" Apparently a good dose of sarcasm could cancel out the early-morning devolution of the human race.

"You wish. This ship was co-designed by turians, remember? We could fly it better than you can" Garrus teased the pilot.

"I have a feeling I might get a bit sloppy later. Probably when you're sat on the toilet. I might hit some turbulence, and you might go flying out the toilet door. Oops."

"Of course," Garrus chuckled. "I came to ask you a question actually. What the heck is flossing?"

"Flossing? You came all the way up here to ask me about dental hygiene? OK. Its, uh, well. It's flossing."

"But what's the point?"

"Well, it gets bits of food out from between your teeth. Keeps them clean."

"But…why?"

"Wait, turians don't brush their teeth?"

"What?! Why would I want to 'brush my teeth'?"

"Dude. Your breath must stink."

**3**


	2. Chapter 2

"Dude. Dude…dude. I. Uh, I…I forgot."

"Is this what being an elcor is like?"

"I. Am. Biiig slow mammal."

"I…what was I gonna…?"

"What's this stuff called?"

"Mar…mari…mari-wa… Weed."

"Wait. I know. I was gonna say…uh…"

"Do you have anything to eat? I feel really hungry. Really really hungry."

"I haven't felt like this until that one night I slept for four hours. Four whole hours! My mum thought I was dead or something. She'd never seen anyone sleep that long before."

"I got it! I love you. Both of you so much. Like. Really much. Really, really, re…"

"…Is he asleep?"

"Uh…probably."

"Forsan…Forsan. Wake up. Wake…up. Hey."

"That light looks really pretty."

"Fooorsaaan."

(C-Sec Video Surveillance Department)

"Harper, come take a look at this."

"What?"

"Three stoned salarians, it's frickin' hilarious!"


End file.
